In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
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In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings