The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
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“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*