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I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die