Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
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My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Made something I’m not proud of
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
#NoRestForTheWicked
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God