I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
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If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
wut hotdog?
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box