(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
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Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
we all know this pain all too well
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Note to self: I am a note
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
…żyje?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”