me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
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friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down