not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
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Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Um … Hot Wings please
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.