“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
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I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*