Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
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judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Coffee is ready.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
mom gave me mine for free
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?