My birthstone is a sushi roll.
You Might Also Like
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin