{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
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Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.