I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
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Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.