Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
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How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
handsome & gretel
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST