if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
You Might Also Like
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”