Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
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[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Lmao the reply
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
two people or more is called a problem