I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
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Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time