Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
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I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]