I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
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me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible