Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
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Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.