Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
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Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?