Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
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I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.