Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
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I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Yes