Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
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Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Meow
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
“OMGJK” -atheists
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school