gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
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[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
HOW DARE YOU
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree