“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
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[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.