I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
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Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Sniffing the broccoli
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
forgive me baja for i have blast