If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
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Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.