My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
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“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
👾👾👾
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
😂😂
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.