I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
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The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Never mess with a drunken pig.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.