I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
You Might Also Like
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Worst Native American name ever.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Pandas 🐼🖤
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them