I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
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Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
im 7 sauces long
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?