Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
You Might Also Like
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.