My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
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Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!