HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
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I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen