Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
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I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go