“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
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May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair