Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
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Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻‍♂️
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.