Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
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ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Sell your car
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Oh. My. God.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?