My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
You Might Also Like
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10