“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
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I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
How do dragons blow out candles?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream