I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
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I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.