I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
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Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun