Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
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Catercrombie & Fish
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
A friend sent me this.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Happy thanksgiving!
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”