And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
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I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.