My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
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ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Good morning.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this