My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
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my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.