Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
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No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Risking my life for fun.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.