I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
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I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you