[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
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Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Wake me when AI does housework
I have so many questions.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I think I’m having a stroke
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
my dad has had enough
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…